Thank you for writing this and for your openness. I went through a similar low early in my teaching journey, although for different reasons. Your reflections resonate with me. This has been present on my mind and in my writing lately, what I call "the paradox of education": the idea that true learning is voluntary, and that teachers need freedom to evolve the curriculum and dynamics with their students; yet most all systems are compulsory, forcing students and teachers into a mold.
I'm glad this resonated with you, Luis. For what it's worth, I see in you a great teacherly temperament: patient, calm, charitable, strong.
That distinction seems so fundamental to me. I've got anarchist convictions that were only strengthened by working in a compulsory and punitive environment. Let me know how your thoughts evolve on that paradox, please.
Thank you, Ken. I also wrote about depression/anxiety today: "I had basically ‘lost control’ of my mind. Of my thoughts. It’s a scary thing. And when the bottleneck could hold no more, I had to tell my family about it and get help. I felt like a child. Embarrassed. But NO ONE should feel that way." TGM: https://tinyurl.com/6f9mmrwt
Thank you for stating publicly how you've been afflicted with depression, too, Michael. You're exactly right—knowing you have no consistent control of your spiraling negative thoughts is itself a pain particularly difficult for adults to describe. But no one should let that stop them.
I really appreciate your frank and unflinching description of depression. I, too, am often irritated by surface-level descriptions that don’t really do this hell justice. I’m glad you found a way out of the pit.
Halfway through reading this, I just wanted to give you a hug. I'm thrilled that you found some relief. I've been a teacher for more than 25 years, all the while teaching through treatment-resistant depression, especially bad for the past year. Your descriptions of the hell are spot on and beautifully expressed. The only way to get through the impossibility of the teaching load – admin, disengaged students, parents, preps, hours spent at home – is to let go of the idea that you will ever do or be enough. For me, the classroom is sometimes a welcome distraction from my broken brain; I don't have time to think. I'm glad you found a better fit with one-on-one. Thank you for sharing this gorgeous piece. Just realizing, too, that my last Substack post was about teaching . . .
Thank you so much for the kind words; I'd gladly accept that hug. And thank you for being in the classroom for a quarter of a decade, even with ailments like refractory depression—that's incredible. I hope you feel a sense of accomplishment in your sustained commitment to be with the kids and help how you can. And I hope your symptoms ease up soon.
I've heard this and believe it, though I've also looked at the statistics regarding burnout and turnaround at public (and private) schools, and the picture is still not heartening. It makes sense when the underlying assumptions—≥40 hours per week, recreating much of the wheel, school as mandatory and punitive, etc.—are so broadly shared.
I'm sorry you're suffering like Bill, and I hope you stay. For what it's worth, I got started with therapy (which then got me a referral to a prescribing nurse practitioner for meds) via Betterhelp. It's not idea, but it is fast and the costs are known up front.
Thank you for writing this and for your openness. I went through a similar low early in my teaching journey, although for different reasons. Your reflections resonate with me. This has been present on my mind and in my writing lately, what I call "the paradox of education": the idea that true learning is voluntary, and that teachers need freedom to evolve the curriculum and dynamics with their students; yet most all systems are compulsory, forcing students and teachers into a mold.
I'm glad this resonated with you, Luis. For what it's worth, I see in you a great teacherly temperament: patient, calm, charitable, strong.
That distinction seems so fundamental to me. I've got anarchist convictions that were only strengthened by working in a compulsory and punitive environment. Let me know how your thoughts evolve on that paradox, please.
Thanks! I appreciate your words.
Here's a little article I wrote on the subject: https://luisfernandomelgararias.substack.com/p/the-paradox-of-education
A powerful essay on one of the most difficult topics. I appreciate this view from the inside.
Thank you so much, Tim.
Thank you, Ken. I also wrote about depression/anxiety today: "I had basically ‘lost control’ of my mind. Of my thoughts. It’s a scary thing. And when the bottleneck could hold no more, I had to tell my family about it and get help. I felt like a child. Embarrassed. But NO ONE should feel that way." TGM: https://tinyurl.com/6f9mmrwt
Thank you for stating publicly how you've been afflicted with depression, too, Michael. You're exactly right—knowing you have no consistent control of your spiraling negative thoughts is itself a pain particularly difficult for adults to describe. But no one should let that stop them.
I really appreciate your frank and unflinching description of depression. I, too, am often irritated by surface-level descriptions that don’t really do this hell justice. I’m glad you found a way out of the pit.
Thank you so much, Yardena.
Halfway through reading this, I just wanted to give you a hug. I'm thrilled that you found some relief. I've been a teacher for more than 25 years, all the while teaching through treatment-resistant depression, especially bad for the past year. Your descriptions of the hell are spot on and beautifully expressed. The only way to get through the impossibility of the teaching load – admin, disengaged students, parents, preps, hours spent at home – is to let go of the idea that you will ever do or be enough. For me, the classroom is sometimes a welcome distraction from my broken brain; I don't have time to think. I'm glad you found a better fit with one-on-one. Thank you for sharing this gorgeous piece. Just realizing, too, that my last Substack post was about teaching . . .
Thank you so much for the kind words; I'd gladly accept that hug. And thank you for being in the classroom for a quarter of a decade, even with ailments like refractory depression—that's incredible. I hope you feel a sense of accomplishment in your sustained commitment to be with the kids and help how you can. And I hope your symptoms ease up soon.
Charter schools tend to put too much pressure on individual teachers. Support systems that have helped teachers for years don't usually exist in them.
I've heard this and believe it, though I've also looked at the statistics regarding burnout and turnaround at public (and private) schools, and the picture is still not heartening. It makes sense when the underlying assumptions—≥40 hours per week, recreating much of the wheel, school as mandatory and punitive, etc.—are so broadly shared.
Been embroiled in this type of depression for two years. But I don’t have the privilege of the resources you do. Tough read.
I'm sorry you're suffering like Bill, and I hope you stay. For what it's worth, I got started with therapy (which then got me a referral to a prescribing nurse practitioner for meds) via Betterhelp. It's not idea, but it is fast and the costs are known up front.
In Italy a teacher works for 18 hours per week.
Much more humane.
Pay is 1700 euros per month. though
Shit. Almost there, lol
In Alberto Moravia’s “Boredom,” depression is described much as it is here. Good essay.
Oh, fascinating. I’ll seek it out. Thank you!