A few friends have killed themselves. I've been suicidal. I spent a decade researching and writing a book about a suicide cult and its only escapee. About it all I only know three things: speaking without fear helps; we cannot save each other, though we may yet be kind; it is good to tell the suicidal person that you hope they stay (and, ideally, to really feel that hope).
You have given us a text that will endure because you have spoken without fear. And though no one can save you—though the pain of living won't stop—I hope the man described here stays and receives some kindness. You have demonstrated in this essay that the world is better with him and his love and his work.
My son T took his life about seven years ago, and of course, as your father told you, the only reasonable response is to follow him. (The main reason I haven’t is my two living children, and now two grandchildren, but I do think about dying every day.) Thank you for your searing honesty, for giving me a new way to think about my son’s decision. I’m very glad Cowboy found you.
I'm so sorry. Your words are sobering. "The only reasonable response is to follow him" hit me like a train. I always assumed my parents would be OK in the long run, but deep down, I know they wouldn't be. I'll stay a while, I hope you do too.
Undeniably the best piece I’ve read on Substack. I can hardly find the words to explain why, and even if I could they wouldn’t do a justice. Thank you for this.
Incredibly well-written. I couldn’t stop reading: and not only because I could empathize with the main character; but because I worried about him… – and therefore you.
Please take care of yourself, and of ‘Cowboy’ (so beautifully characterized). I hope the writing – and popular reception – of this helps you in some way.
I'm not sure if you're familiar with ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) Django. If not, you (or anyone else struggling) might want to consider investigating ACT to navigate recurring - persistent if transitory - negative thoughts.
You've already noted that we are not to be identified with any given thought or feeling. ACT talks about the importance of cognitive defusion, or not being (con)fused by our psychological states as such. You indicate as much when incorporating illeism into your narrative and refer to yourself as he (thereby putting distance between yourself and your thoughts and emotionally regulate your 'story' accordingly).
The idea of cognitive defusion is to learn to disentangle ourselves from the thoughts that we might find ourselves ensnared in. ACT also encourages us to accept all thoughts and feelings (positive, negative, of variable intensity or persuasiveness, etc) and better integrate them into our lives. The goal is learn to swim with (or in) the fluctuating currents of any given stream of consciousness without resistance or judgement.
ACT also enables forward movement via values clarification and committed action. The aim is to (re)align our thought processes : to find purpose and direction in our own beliefs and desires.
You are clearly already on the right path (as evident by your work as a literary editor) and have externalised self-care via caring for another living creature. Given your talent for writing, I'd encourage following your muse wherever he may take you.
If anyone thinks they might be interested in exploring ACT further the following article will serve you well
which is the secular version of the mindfulness techniques I mentioned above, developed in part by Steven Hayes (no relation, as far as I know). This is a professional journal article, but there are consumer-oriented workbook versions, available in any self-help section, that people can look at to decide whether they want to pursue it.
The temple / religious version ritualizes the practice in a different way, which some people find more helpful. I coincidentally posted something about this on Monday.
Thanks for this. My friend killed himself 6 years ago and I've long felt the appropriate way to grieve is deep sadness for his sense of himself and his own life, that would make him choose suicide over sticking around. It's hard for those of us left back because we all saw the talents and gifts he should be around to give to us and the world. We remember the happy times much more than the bad. The more time passes the more my grief turns to anger, at his making the one irreversible choice.
Yet this type of writing is healing, too. Living without hope is no way to live. I'm glad you and Cowboy found each other.
5 anniversary of my first attempt this month. Reading this with our 3 year old pup asleep next to me. I should be asleep for our 6am walk tomorrow, but this piece put language to feelings that tend to stir around this time of year for me. I think striving towards living the lie is helping.
The only thing you’d done that was of any genuine use to the world, which you speak of disparagingly, is genuinely more useful than what 99% of people have done. Brilliant piece.
Thank you so much for this. As someone who has many of the same thoughts, it felt--not good, exactly, but maybe cathartic? To know I'm not wholly alone.
This essay is a beautifully honest yet painfully raw piece on suicide. For anyone that has struggled with depression or suicidal thoughts in the past, the description of cynicism in the face of hope or reluctance in the face of vulnerability is the distressing reality. This story has made the struggle of contemplating one’s own existence, for the first time, not feel so individual. Thank you for sharing, I feel forever changed.
“He felt like for years he’d been sold a story about himself, about life and love, that had turned out to be nothing more than that - just a story.” There are some moving moments in this powerful piece, but that line knocked me for six. I’m reading this on a Sunday, which means I’m reading while listening to Jazz. Duke Ellington and Louis Armstrong: “In my solitude / You haunt me / With reveries / Of days gone by.” I don’t know you personally, Django, but I am your reader. And as your reader, I hope you continue to read and write, not going anywhere, and not in solitude. Best to you and cowboy!
Django,
A few friends have killed themselves. I've been suicidal. I spent a decade researching and writing a book about a suicide cult and its only escapee. About it all I only know three things: speaking without fear helps; we cannot save each other, though we may yet be kind; it is good to tell the suicidal person that you hope they stay (and, ideally, to really feel that hope).
You have given us a text that will endure because you have spoken without fear. And though no one can save you—though the pain of living won't stop—I hope the man described here stays and receives some kindness. You have demonstrated in this essay that the world is better with him and his love and his work.
I hope Cowboy's in good shape.
Thank you so much.
—Ken
Thanks, Ken. This means a lot. Glad you’re here. And Cowboy’s doing well.
My son T took his life about seven years ago, and of course, as your father told you, the only reasonable response is to follow him. (The main reason I haven’t is my two living children, and now two grandchildren, but I do think about dying every day.) Thank you for your searing honesty, for giving me a new way to think about my son’s decision. I’m very glad Cowboy found you.
I'm so sorry. Your words are sobering. "The only reasonable response is to follow him" hit me like a train. I always assumed my parents would be OK in the long run, but deep down, I know they wouldn't be. I'll stay a while, I hope you do too.
Please stay. And I’m sorry it’s so painful for you.
Undeniably the best piece I’ve read on Substack. I can hardly find the words to explain why, and even if I could they wouldn’t do a justice. Thank you for this.
Incredibly well-written. I couldn’t stop reading: and not only because I could empathize with the main character; but because I worried about him… – and therefore you.
Please take care of yourself, and of ‘Cowboy’ (so beautifully characterized). I hope the writing – and popular reception – of this helps you in some way.
What an essay. I couldn't stop reading. Thank you for writing this.
Beyond magnificent. Glad you're still here. Give Cowboy an extra treat, courtesy of some guy on the internet.
An incredible read.
I'm not sure if you're familiar with ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) Django. If not, you (or anyone else struggling) might want to consider investigating ACT to navigate recurring - persistent if transitory - negative thoughts.
You've already noted that we are not to be identified with any given thought or feeling. ACT talks about the importance of cognitive defusion, or not being (con)fused by our psychological states as such. You indicate as much when incorporating illeism into your narrative and refer to yourself as he (thereby putting distance between yourself and your thoughts and emotionally regulate your 'story' accordingly).
The idea of cognitive defusion is to learn to disentangle ourselves from the thoughts that we might find ourselves ensnared in. ACT also encourages us to accept all thoughts and feelings (positive, negative, of variable intensity or persuasiveness, etc) and better integrate them into our lives. The goal is learn to swim with (or in) the fluctuating currents of any given stream of consciousness without resistance or judgement.
ACT also enables forward movement via values clarification and committed action. The aim is to (re)align our thought processes : to find purpose and direction in our own beliefs and desires.
You are clearly already on the right path (as evident by your work as a literary editor) and have externalised self-care via caring for another living creature. Given your talent for writing, I'd encourage following your muse wherever he may take you.
If anyone thinks they might be interested in exploring ACT further the following article will serve you well
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11837766/
Good luck to you and Cowboy.
which is the secular version of the mindfulness techniques I mentioned above, developed in part by Steven Hayes (no relation, as far as I know). This is a professional journal article, but there are consumer-oriented workbook versions, available in any self-help section, that people can look at to decide whether they want to pursue it.
The temple / religious version ritualizes the practice in a different way, which some people find more helpful. I coincidentally posted something about this on Monday.
https://randallhayes.substack.com/p/the-worlds-mightiest-hobo
Thanks for this. My friend killed himself 6 years ago and I've long felt the appropriate way to grieve is deep sadness for his sense of himself and his own life, that would make him choose suicide over sticking around. It's hard for those of us left back because we all saw the talents and gifts he should be around to give to us and the world. We remember the happy times much more than the bad. The more time passes the more my grief turns to anger, at his making the one irreversible choice.
Yet this type of writing is healing, too. Living without hope is no way to live. I'm glad you and Cowboy found each other.
5 anniversary of my first attempt this month. Reading this with our 3 year old pup asleep next to me. I should be asleep for our 6am walk tomorrow, but this piece put language to feelings that tend to stir around this time of year for me. I think striving towards living the lie is helping.
Thank you for writing this.
Hope you can believe the lie someday too.
holy shit
The only thing you’d done that was of any genuine use to the world, which you speak of disparagingly, is genuinely more useful than what 99% of people have done. Brilliant piece.
Thank you so much for this. As someone who has many of the same thoughts, it felt--not good, exactly, but maybe cathartic? To know I'm not wholly alone.
This essay is a beautifully honest yet painfully raw piece on suicide. For anyone that has struggled with depression or suicidal thoughts in the past, the description of cynicism in the face of hope or reluctance in the face of vulnerability is the distressing reality. This story has made the struggle of contemplating one’s own existence, for the first time, not feel so individual. Thank you for sharing, I feel forever changed.
“He felt like for years he’d been sold a story about himself, about life and love, that had turned out to be nothing more than that - just a story.” There are some moving moments in this powerful piece, but that line knocked me for six. I’m reading this on a Sunday, which means I’m reading while listening to Jazz. Duke Ellington and Louis Armstrong: “In my solitude / You haunt me / With reveries / Of days gone by.” I don’t know you personally, Django, but I am your reader. And as your reader, I hope you continue to read and write, not going anywhere, and not in solitude. Best to you and cowboy!
My goodness. Thank you for sharing this story. Sending you my love. ☀️
Wow. That was so great.