Having a diagnosis might make a difference and can be helpful to know. I’ve had a cornucopia of diagnoses over the years and was tagged with Bipolar Disorder at age of 42 in the midst of a drug abuse problem. It stuck for over 15 years, resulted in years of meds and outlandish medical bills.
I was eventually hooked up with rehabilitative social worker who after 15 minutes talking in a Starbucks said “Hey, has anyone ever told you you have Aspergers ?” He had training and experience with clients on the spectrum and it was obvious to him based on my thinking and behavior.
Short answer is I probably do, but I got different opinions. Yes from an expert and a rather abrupt dismissal from someone not trained in the field.
It had been a nightmare with the meds. Happily off meds for years now and relatively healthy.
This is extremely relatable and frankly, it's nice to hear an adult man say it. I've written about similar experiences, but it's hard to shake the fear I'll be dismissed as a twenty-something girl who spends too much time online. I am definitely too online, but that doesn't mean I'm not describing something real and difficult. I think that's the main driver toward desiring a diagnosis—it makes it real—your stuggle becomes validated, inherently believable, and people begin to take your experiences seriously.
It's interesting how some people would find the diagnosis to be relieving. Two people I know who both seem to have some mild autism (and one with history of psychotic break) view that term with shame and humiliation and would never consider themselves to have it even though they seem to have underlying insecurities about their social performance. In arab culture there is much shame around any kind of psychological diagnosis, even when it could help us understand ourselves better. I wish they could understand how uniquely difficult it is to interact in a conversation with them. The mildness of it teases like a mirage where you always think they might be on the brink of self-awareness so you keep insisting on reasoning with their reality...but it is not successful. People cling on to their perceived realities like a safety blanket. Kudos to you for reflecting on yours.
my grandma was from Greece, my grandpa from Turkey. When she got diagnosed with paranoid schizo, my grandpa was ashamed---he still did what he had to do to take care of her (institutionalization, meds, psychiatrist)---but didn't talk about it with anyone. Which had a negative impact on my mom. But my mom was the one to break the cycle of shame and became very frank about mental health stuff...and when I was institutionalized, she did not make me feel one bit ashamed. But I also must say, as someone who operates primarily within bourgeois, non-ethnic settings where disabilities are worn as a badge of honor which can also be used as social currency to one up others in the oppression Olympics (and this move up the social/professional ladder), I really do not feel stigma at all...and rather feel the pressure to parade my quasi-diagnoses around.
Having a psychiatric diagnosis which is claimed to be genetic, apparently relieves the person from responsibility “There is nothing I could do. I was born that way”
I feel for you. Our 12 year old son is on the spectrum. It’s very difficult in a lot of ways, for him and for us. Though I can be “difficult” too because I can get SUPER obsessed with things, and researching things, and have only realized recently (because of my son) that it can be off-putting. I always laugh when I read your posts talking about how TLM people are a bit spergy. We go to the Novus Ordo but I have an obsession with “signs and symbols” (I’m a newer Catholic) and I can be a bit irritating, studying it constantly, talking about it, wishing I could be immersed in a liturgy like that! 😂). When you said TLM people could be spergy it “clicked” for me! When I “officially” had my son diagnosed multiple friends of our pityingly looked at us and said, “we’ve known for years.” I really thought my son was just quirky. I felt like an idiot. Our whole family is pretty quirky…but then other struggles started happening that caused us to seek out a psychiatrist and luckily we found a really great one. I look back on my childhood and realized that my dad was probably autistic but self-medicated with drugs (not that that was the only reason he did drugs, but I have distinct memories of his difficult behavior that I “get” now because of how my son acts). I hear about people who get diagnosed as an adult and I can see why it would give you a bit of a sigh of relief is you could just “claim the label.” Maybe it would help you come to peace with why you’ve felt like you were out of step your whole life, and even lost friends like your situation with “Mary.”That’s so hard! It can be very isolating (at least it is for my son). Our pediatrician, who has a daughter with very severe disabilities, told us that she thinks it’s actually harder for parents of kids with disabilities, and kids who have disabilities that aren’t as “outwardly” noticeable because there is a lot less sympathy and parents get blamed for “off” behavior (we definitely experience that), and kids are more easily judged (we experience that too). It’s really encouraging to me that you’ve definitely found your place in the world where you can use your particular gifts and personality to your benefit, and that you have a caring, committed group of friends. It gives me hope for my son and for his future. 12 years old is rough for any preteen, but especially for someone trying (with a lot of coaching from us!) to navigate even more complicated social situations! Please keep us in your prayers if you think about it 🙏
“we walk alone in the world, friends such as we desire are dreams and fables.” I came across this quote about 50 years ago and eventually learned how true it is for everyone.
Your writing and description of your social errors are nicely written, but it is absolute nonsense to label your errors due to a psychiatric disorder. Allen Frances and Joseph Sptizer, the lead authors of DSM III and DSM IV warned about unintended consequences in developing new systems of defining illnesses. According to them their new labeling led to unintended consequences, particularly pseudo epidemics of bipolar disorder, ADHD, and autism. Suddenly every emotionally volatile person was being told they were bipolar, they had an illness related to manic depression. Tens of millions of people enjoying the enhanced abilities speed gives users have been convinced they have ADHD, because it works so well for them (and everyone else!) Something similar seems to be going on with autism. Today people love a label to explain their difficulties. It removes blame and guilt for their failings, presumably because their social mistakes are beyond their control. They inherited them. The whole thing is ridiculous. Psychiatric understanding is still at a very primitive state which my colleagues try to hide. The use of its diagnoses to excuse social errors compounds the probelm
you might be autistic if you know to look for social-cues and you know what they mean, but you can't see them no matter how much you talk to people. But if you haven't been taught any social-skills, and you don't know to look for them, and you can't even see them, that's not autism. That's a failure of schooling
Some of these folks have no ability to see social cues organically, but they have some other constellation of qualities that allow them to pass. They can't see social cues, but they have an incredible pattern processing apparatus, so they use that. I have watched one person in particular for half a lifetime accumulate data by observing with shocking precision the cause and affect of their actions on other people. They are a scientist about it. They conduct very small, unobtrusive experiments and store that data in their steel trap of a mind. They hardly talk beyond very mild observations and questions they have painstakingly developed from sometimes years of watching very specific people. They make all the right sounds when someone dies or someone is crying through decades of practice, even if they don't understand the emotions the person is having. They use their incredible ability to retain facts and repeat phrases to pass most of the time for most of the people as just somewhat strange. They dont use their face more than they have to, because they have had bad reactions to their masking, which is rarely quite right, so they use words as much as possible, and I think they have found, whether they realize it or not, that people will project their own selves onto their masked face and that can be an advantage for them. They use a large portion of their rational mind to solve the problem, and because they are so smart, they still have more left over than most people when they are done to work with for daily tasks and work. They aren't overwhelmed because of low sensory issues and savant intelligence. Now, some savants are overwhelmed. What I am saying is, there is a type of autism that gets this pattern just so and they have a unique experience of the world. This person I know is one of them.
Not many autists can do this and it's unbelievable to watch. But it doesn't mean they have social connection. It means they have found a workaround. The problem is, the workaround doesn't always work either and the house of cards can be fragile. There are limits to it, like the tendency of others to project on the blank-face tactic. This can cause massive relationship failure over time if allowed to continue, for example.
What a nicely written, candid account. Thank you for sharing all that so honestly and eloquently.
Having a diagnosis might make a difference and can be helpful to know. I’ve had a cornucopia of diagnoses over the years and was tagged with Bipolar Disorder at age of 42 in the midst of a drug abuse problem. It stuck for over 15 years, resulted in years of meds and outlandish medical bills.
I was eventually hooked up with rehabilitative social worker who after 15 minutes talking in a Starbucks said “Hey, has anyone ever told you you have Aspergers ?” He had training and experience with clients on the spectrum and it was obvious to him based on my thinking and behavior.
Short answer is I probably do, but I got different opinions. Yes from an expert and a rather abrupt dismissal from someone not trained in the field.
It had been a nightmare with the meds. Happily off meds for years now and relatively healthy.
This is extremely relatable and frankly, it's nice to hear an adult man say it. I've written about similar experiences, but it's hard to shake the fear I'll be dismissed as a twenty-something girl who spends too much time online. I am definitely too online, but that doesn't mean I'm not describing something real and difficult. I think that's the main driver toward desiring a diagnosis—it makes it real—your stuggle becomes validated, inherently believable, and people begin to take your experiences seriously.
Thank you for your candour, and a beautifully written piece.
Great piece. A lot I can relate to!
It's interesting how some people would find the diagnosis to be relieving. Two people I know who both seem to have some mild autism (and one with history of psychotic break) view that term with shame and humiliation and would never consider themselves to have it even though they seem to have underlying insecurities about their social performance. In arab culture there is much shame around any kind of psychological diagnosis, even when it could help us understand ourselves better. I wish they could understand how uniquely difficult it is to interact in a conversation with them. The mildness of it teases like a mirage where you always think they might be on the brink of self-awareness so you keep insisting on reasoning with their reality...but it is not successful. People cling on to their perceived realities like a safety blanket. Kudos to you for reflecting on yours.
my grandma was from Greece, my grandpa from Turkey. When she got diagnosed with paranoid schizo, my grandpa was ashamed---he still did what he had to do to take care of her (institutionalization, meds, psychiatrist)---but didn't talk about it with anyone. Which had a negative impact on my mom. But my mom was the one to break the cycle of shame and became very frank about mental health stuff...and when I was institutionalized, she did not make me feel one bit ashamed. But I also must say, as someone who operates primarily within bourgeois, non-ethnic settings where disabilities are worn as a badge of honor which can also be used as social currency to one up others in the oppression Olympics (and this move up the social/professional ladder), I really do not feel stigma at all...and rather feel the pressure to parade my quasi-diagnoses around.
Agree, I think I have Brooklyn Individuality Complex and would love to have a medical reason to explain why I'm simply built different.
Having a psychiatric diagnosis which is claimed to be genetic, apparently relieves the person from responsibility “There is nothing I could do. I was born that way”
I feel for you. Our 12 year old son is on the spectrum. It’s very difficult in a lot of ways, for him and for us. Though I can be “difficult” too because I can get SUPER obsessed with things, and researching things, and have only realized recently (because of my son) that it can be off-putting. I always laugh when I read your posts talking about how TLM people are a bit spergy. We go to the Novus Ordo but I have an obsession with “signs and symbols” (I’m a newer Catholic) and I can be a bit irritating, studying it constantly, talking about it, wishing I could be immersed in a liturgy like that! 😂). When you said TLM people could be spergy it “clicked” for me! When I “officially” had my son diagnosed multiple friends of our pityingly looked at us and said, “we’ve known for years.” I really thought my son was just quirky. I felt like an idiot. Our whole family is pretty quirky…but then other struggles started happening that caused us to seek out a psychiatrist and luckily we found a really great one. I look back on my childhood and realized that my dad was probably autistic but self-medicated with drugs (not that that was the only reason he did drugs, but I have distinct memories of his difficult behavior that I “get” now because of how my son acts). I hear about people who get diagnosed as an adult and I can see why it would give you a bit of a sigh of relief is you could just “claim the label.” Maybe it would help you come to peace with why you’ve felt like you were out of step your whole life, and even lost friends like your situation with “Mary.”That’s so hard! It can be very isolating (at least it is for my son). Our pediatrician, who has a daughter with very severe disabilities, told us that she thinks it’s actually harder for parents of kids with disabilities, and kids who have disabilities that aren’t as “outwardly” noticeable because there is a lot less sympathy and parents get blamed for “off” behavior (we definitely experience that), and kids are more easily judged (we experience that too). It’s really encouraging to me that you’ve definitely found your place in the world where you can use your particular gifts and personality to your benefit, and that you have a caring, committed group of friends. It gives me hope for my son and for his future. 12 years old is rough for any preteen, but especially for someone trying (with a lot of coaching from us!) to navigate even more complicated social situations! Please keep us in your prayers if you think about it 🙏
“we walk alone in the world, friends such as we desire are dreams and fables.” I came across this quote about 50 years ago and eventually learned how true it is for everyone.
Your writing and description of your social errors are nicely written, but it is absolute nonsense to label your errors due to a psychiatric disorder. Allen Frances and Joseph Sptizer, the lead authors of DSM III and DSM IV warned about unintended consequences in developing new systems of defining illnesses. According to them their new labeling led to unintended consequences, particularly pseudo epidemics of bipolar disorder, ADHD, and autism. Suddenly every emotionally volatile person was being told they were bipolar, they had an illness related to manic depression. Tens of millions of people enjoying the enhanced abilities speed gives users have been convinced they have ADHD, because it works so well for them (and everyone else!) Something similar seems to be going on with autism. Today people love a label to explain their difficulties. It removes blame and guilt for their failings, presumably because their social mistakes are beyond their control. They inherited them. The whole thing is ridiculous. Psychiatric understanding is still at a very primitive state which my colleagues try to hide. The use of its diagnoses to excuse social errors compounds the probelm
Your high school friend was severely overreacting. Maybe she was the mentally ill one.
you might be autistic if you know to look for social-cues and you know what they mean, but you can't see them no matter how much you talk to people. But if you haven't been taught any social-skills, and you don't know to look for them, and you can't even see them, that's not autism. That's a failure of schooling
Some of these folks have no ability to see social cues organically, but they have some other constellation of qualities that allow them to pass. They can't see social cues, but they have an incredible pattern processing apparatus, so they use that. I have watched one person in particular for half a lifetime accumulate data by observing with shocking precision the cause and affect of their actions on other people. They are a scientist about it. They conduct very small, unobtrusive experiments and store that data in their steel trap of a mind. They hardly talk beyond very mild observations and questions they have painstakingly developed from sometimes years of watching very specific people. They make all the right sounds when someone dies or someone is crying through decades of practice, even if they don't understand the emotions the person is having. They use their incredible ability to retain facts and repeat phrases to pass most of the time for most of the people as just somewhat strange. They dont use their face more than they have to, because they have had bad reactions to their masking, which is rarely quite right, so they use words as much as possible, and I think they have found, whether they realize it or not, that people will project their own selves onto their masked face and that can be an advantage for them. They use a large portion of their rational mind to solve the problem, and because they are so smart, they still have more left over than most people when they are done to work with for daily tasks and work. They aren't overwhelmed because of low sensory issues and savant intelligence. Now, some savants are overwhelmed. What I am saying is, there is a type of autism that gets this pattern just so and they have a unique experience of the world. This person I know is one of them.
Not many autists can do this and it's unbelievable to watch. But it doesn't mean they have social connection. It means they have found a workaround. The problem is, the workaround doesn't always work either and the house of cards can be fragile. There are limits to it, like the tendency of others to project on the blank-face tactic. This can cause massive relationship failure over time if allowed to continue, for example.
Anyway, I've talked too much, like usual.